Yesterday I ran away from home. I had enough and I grabbed my car keys and drove away leaving dinner half cooked, the laundry in baskets - mostly clean but not folded and the house in the state of disaster. I left one child screaming "Mommy don't leave" in the driveway, another one ranting and raving in the kitchen about how I am on my cell phone way too much (slight roll reversal there), one working hard on his 10th bucket of rocks that he was picking up out of the yard for punishment and one oblivious to it all with his nose in a book. Before you pick up the phone to call the police on me, my husband was home and is perfectly capable of caring for the children.
I have a friend on facebook who is just returning back to work after maternity leave after the birth of her first baby. She has waited many years to become a mommy and it is killing her to leave her baby home. As I sat in my happy place (beside a flowing stream about 5 min away from my house), in a way I was almost jealous of all moms who work outside of the home. Adult conversations, a reason to actually get dressed in something other than sweats, put make up on, have an in box that empties by the end of the day and stays empty for at least a few hours. I did work at a "real" job once upon a time and I loved it. Loved every second of it. Then I had my first baby and my hubby and I decided that every sacrifice we had to make was worth it for me to stay home. Then three years later, baby number two came along and I continued to stay home.
It's not easy. We struggle every month making the money that comes in somehow equal the money that goes out. My in box of laundry and dishes are never empty - as soon as I think the laundry is done, someone spills on their clothes, pukes on their clothes or it is just time for bed and they all change out of their clothes. The second the dishes are done and the kitchen is spotless, someone is hungry or dying of thirst or remembers that they need to bring cookies for their youth activity that night.
Vacation days do not exist unless you count packing up, keeping children entertained on a road trip, unpacking, etc. Sick days are usually spent doing what I do everyday just maybe a bit slower or with more interruptions for trips to the bathroom.
We now have four children. I still stay at home if you count as staying at home the endless errands, trips to the school, dr appointments, preschool, field trips, and in our case therapy appts.The inbox of laundry and dishes never are emptied. Someone is always hungry, thirsty, bored or just plain needing something urgently.
Last night, I threw a small stick into the stream. It went a few feet and then got trapped between a couple of rocks. No matter how fast the current hit it, it wiggled a bit but stayed stuck. That is exactly how I felt at that moment. Literally stuck. By the end of my self imposed "cooling off" period, I had thrown a couple more sticks into the water. None of them got stuck. They just seemed to go with the flow, bobbing and shifting WITH the current, avoiding the rocks as they quickly were carried out of sight.
Going with the flow is not always easy for me. I'm pretty much a control freak in every sense of the word. But I learned something from the sticks. If you don't go with the flow, you get very very stuck and you are constantly having the waves crash over you. If you shift with the flow, the waves become your friend, helping you get downstream where maybe the current is a little calmer.
I came home refreshed. My children didn't die without me there. They were finishing up dinner when I walked through the door. And after I ate, we had a long talk. And as of this morning, it appears that all of us remember what we talked about. Our home is quite a bit more peaceful today. I'm sure that will shift as well but for now, this stick is sure enjoying the slower current.
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